This is the result of providing the cashmerepapers.com URL as input.

It’s been brought to my attention that I should care about blog traffic, at least this is what my husband continues to try to convince me of. He’s, in fact, the one who signed me up to twenty or so indexes, catalogs, and such. This list includes Technorati, Blog Catalog, and many others I have no clue about. I’ll have to get around to cornering him to tell me exactly how many and which indexes I’ve been signed to. I found out about his devious plans when I looked at my sidebar and noticed, under my non-existing Blogroll, there they were–links to Wordpress and the Writing Blog Catalog. I thought, “That’s weird. Why would this catalog automatically enroll me? And why on earth am I linking to them? I don’t know them. Who are these people? Who do they think they are? How insidious spam is, that they’re able to come to MY WEBSITE AND place themselves SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PERSONAL BLOG! These geniuses must take me for a FOOL to have ME advertise for THEM FOR FREE.” And just before I blew up with fury and ranted to Dan the heinous crime that was committed against my precious blog, it struck me to ask him, “Dan? Do you know who this Writing Blog Catalog is?” He nonchalantly turned his head in my direction and replied, “Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you. I registered you at this writing index. You know, to promote your blog. It’ll make it easier for people to find you.” Scrunching my eyebrows I replied, “Next time. Tell me.” The anger slowly dissipated. Catastrophe averted.

photo credit: Axel Buhrmann

It was also Dan who signed me up to Google Analytics, which is actually a very interesting tool. It allows you to see how many people have viewed your blog, where they’re from, how long they viewed which pages, how they found your blog (whether it was through those convenient indexes or by miraculous searching through Google’s power engine), and many other statistics. And though it is very interesting, I don’t seem to find it quite as interesting as my husband does. Practically everyday he pours himself into looking at each statistic. For example, did you know that my break in going to L.A. caused a huge downfall in readers? There’s a nifty map showing the downward shift. Surprise, surprise. But through researching Google Analytics, Dan will be able to tell me in the next few days, will you all come back? Why doesn’t he just start his own blog? He did, but then business school ruined all his anticipated plans including blogging through his two years here. So in his small way he fulfills his hopes of his blogging career vicariously through me. I must admit it does feel a little bit Pinky and the Brainish (Brain from the Animaniacs, pictured left), except this Brain’s head spans a greater length than width. Dan rarely asks me what I’ll be writing about today. Instead, he rubs his hands together to plan how to take over the world, or the world-wide web as we know it.

I honestly don’t think about these kind of things. When I started this blog, it wasn’t my plan to announce to the world that, “HEY, I’M HERE. COME READ ME! I’M WITTY, FUNNY, WELL-WRITTEN, AN EXPERT IN EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.” Quite the contrary, I know that there are a gazillion blogs out there funnier, more stylish, sassier, more professional, more informative. But that really isn’t the point, at least not for me, and not for now. As I contemplated starting this blog, my Brain, a.k.a Dan, asked me, “Well, I’ve done some research about blogging from professional bloggers who make their living from it and they recommended that your blog be about one thing. Be an expert in some field and make your blog be about that.” So sorry to disappoint, but this site’s purpose is to write ANYTHING. Because as much as I like money as the next person, I’m not ready to self-impose it into anything it doesn’t want to be and in the meantime, I hope that the longer I write the more it’ll figure out what it wants to be when it grows up. So I’ll look at Google Analytics, but anything like problogger.net will have to wait.

In case any of you came here looking for tips on how to drive more traffic to your blog, my Brain suggests checking out this post from problogger.net.

I recently found out The Linguist, a teammate from East Asia times, recently re-committed himself to living in East Asia for another four years. He first arrived in 2001, my second year there, and has been living there up till this last year–his Sabbatical year. I was surprised to hear that he planned to return, mainly because the majority of us who’ve returned for our Sabbatical never went back.

Harvard, a friend I used to work with in Boston, recently called me just to catch up. She asked me the question, “When are you and Dan thinking about going back?” I dreaded answering her since two years ago, my answer was, “As soon as possible.” It has since changed to, “In a year or two.” And now I answered her with, “Maybe.” At the time, I didn’t think twice about it. Now that I do have time, it makes me want to cry, because I knew my purpose then. I knew who I was then. And I was so sure of myself.

Now, in the middle of nowhere, I feel like I’m faltering. I don’t know my purpose. I think I know who I am. And I’m completely unsure of myself.

So today as I was reading the sometimes over saccharine Max Lucado, I was struck by his words from 3:16 The Numbers of Hope:

“Since he has no needs, you cannot tire him.
Sine he is without age, you cannot lose him.
Since he has no sin, you cannot corrupt him.

…can’t he make good out of our bad and sense out of our faltering lives? Of course he can. He is God.”

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I know I’m supposed to be right where I am despite feeling like I’m leading a faltering life. Thankfully, I have a God who can make sense of the rest of it. For today, that is what I needed. That assurance.

Okay, on to the REAL content.

I’m not much of a cook. I’d like to think it’s because I haven’t put much effort into it. I keep telling myself that one of these days I WILL bring myself to cook all our meals for a month. Part of the difficulty is I have a completely illogical fear of sharp things, so it makes the whole slicing and dicing thing quite the adventure. It also extends the time it takes to prepare a meal to two or three times longer than ANY recipe should take. Not to mention, I’m such the perfectionist that cooking just stresses me out. Really stresses me out. When I started cooking, I’d do my share of yelling at the food and then go off and cry when trying to make dinner. Thank goodness, I have a patient husband who knows how to “maintain” (in the words of Chandler Bing) a very high-strung person cook. I want everything to be perfect, to look perfect, to taste perfect. For those who say, “Oh yes, I love cooking. It relaxes me.” I have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about. It’s physically impossible for me to imagine.

Despite my fear of knives and my absolute sloth-like cooking pace, I do manage to cook every once in awhile. I’m thoroughly delighted and thankful for Real Simple because their recipes ACTUALLY are simple and so very pretty. (A special gratitude to my mother-in-law, too, for giving me my yearly subscription to this magazine every Christmas.) I’m MUCH too easily enticed by their beautiful recipe layouts. In fact, I’m a little embarrassed that I hardly touch my Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook that I registered for when I got married. It’s because the wonderful little cookbook notebook I’ve put together chock full of Real Simple recipes I’ve cut out of my subscriptions and archived in plastic page protectors, has pages and pages of GORGEOUS pictures.

Now that I’ve added every caveat known to man about cooking, I wanted to include this particular recipe that I’ve used time again and again. Anytime we’re invited to a potluck, are called to cook for company THIS is THE recipe I make. So if you live in the middle of nowhere and know me, chances are you’ve eaten Real Simple’s Chicken Curry with a few substitutions. Actually it’s REALLY only one little substitution. I know, I know you hate seeing the italicized with a few substitutions because I know I do. Anytime I’d go to all recipes and check out the five star dishes, I HAVE TO look through the reviews. Every single time a reviewer wrote, “Oh, this is sooo good,” it would always immediately follow with BUT I added this or I changed that or instead of this I’d use that, I left out blah, blah, blah. The thing is, every reviewer would change SOMETHING. So what am I supposed to think? “HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE THIS FOOD THE BEST IT CAN POSSIBLY TASTE IF EVERY SINGLE PERSON CHANGES THE ORIGINAL RECIPE TO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT?”

HOWEVER, with my substitutions the Chicken Curry tastes AMAZING, if I do say so myself. I should add that when I make this recipe with the heavy cream it calls for it tastes (to me anyway), exactly like butter chicken from the Wonderful-Indian -Restaurant-I-Went-To-While-I-Lived-in-Seattle-That-I-Can’t-Possibly-Remember. (If there are any Indians who make this dish and think I should be dragged out to the street and shot because it tastes NOTHING like authentic butter chicken, please forgive me.) Every time Dan or I made it, people loved it. They asked for the recipe. OR they were being really, really, REALLY polite.

Chicken Curry from Real Simple
with my substitutions italicized AND a few of my strike-throughs *blushes*

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts
2 tablespoons curry powder * 3.5 oz. Golden Curry Sauce Mix (mild, medium hot, or hot)
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium yellow onion, thinly sliced
2 medium zucchini, thinly sliced
1 1/2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
Cooked white rice
1/2 cup fresh basil leaves, torn or ~1/8 c.? dry basil (I approximate)
1/4 cup (1 ounce) almonds, roughly chopped because I don’t like almonds

Rinse the chicken and pat it dry with paper towels. Cut it into 1-inch pieces and place in a bowl. Sprinkle it with the curry and cinnamon, toss, and set aside.

Heat 1 tablespoon of the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and zucchini and cook until softened, 3 to 5 minutes. Transfer to a plate.

Heat the remaining oil in the skillet. Add the chicken and cook until browned on all sides, about 5 minutes total. Add the broth, cream, salt, and pepper (and curry). (Breaking the curry in the “along the perforation” will make it easier to stir it in. Make sure to stir in well.) Bring to a gentle simmer. Return the onion and zucchini to the skillet and heat until the chicken is cooked through, 5 to 7 minutes.

Divide the rice among individual bowls, top with the curry, and sprinkle with the basil and almonds.

Tip: You can vary the ingredients depending on what you have on hand. Consider substituting coconut milk for the cream (makes it less creamy, more watery, but still tastes GREAT and it’s less fattening), eggplant for the zucchini, cilantro for the basil, or cashews for the almonds.

Yield: Makes 4 servings

FAT 46g (sat 22g); SUGAR 3g; CALORIES (WITHOUT RICE) 591; PROTEIN 34g; CHOLESTEROL 188mg; SODIUM 860mg; FIBER 4g; CARBOHYDRATE 14g

Real Simple, JULY 2006

ENJOY!

So, I’m sure you’re dying to know which heroine I really am. But before the big reveal, I must confess that as much as I love Jane Austen, I have yet to read any of her books. I know many of you have now shut your laptops, vowed never to subscribe (NOT THAT YOU COULD EVEN IF YOU WANTED TO because I can’t for the life of me figure out why my sidebar isn’t working properly as much as I press the right button that supposedly allows me to say YES, I want people to be ABLE to subscribe if they’d be so inclined) and are running in the other direction while screaming in horror. I, indeed, do have a degree in English from an accredited university and have never read any of her six novels. So how can I possibly be a fan? I’ve seen the movie versions of five of the six novels many times. Has Northanger Abbey been made into a movie? I know that movies aren’t the same as the books. The books are ALWAYS better. I do have friends who are loyal true fans, who’ve actually read the majority of her work. That’s something, isn’t it? To my credit (little as I know I now have), I did try reading Pride and Prejudice once online, but I NEED to be able to turn the pages. So to this cause, now that I’ve publicly humiliated myself, I will be forced to read her works to retain some semblance of integrity. I’ve included the whole quiz, including my answers. Unfortunately, you can’t take the quiz here. You’ll just have to create your own facebook account.

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Just answer 5 questions (it’s actually 7 questions, don’t know why they said 5) and find out instantly! It’s SCARILY accurate. (How accurate could it actually be? When I read the description to my husband, he was in shock. It really is SCARILY accurate.) There are 6 Jane Austen novels - Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Emma, Persuasion, and Northanger Abbey - which leading lady do you most resemble?

Fanny Price from Mansfield Park. You are smart and shy, a quiet beauty with brains that intimidate everyone around you (Okay, maybe the smart and shy part is the only part that’s true). You often feel out of place, homeless and alone. As an intellectual idealist, you long to be heard and understood, but rarely waste your time trying to defend yourself to those who could not possibly understand (More like rarely waste my time trying to defend myself to those who I know wouldn’t bother listening anyway). Time and experience is making you bolder (Not as much as I wish it was). Despite your clever genius, you long for simplicity (yes!), and the love of your soul mate, who is a socially surprising and unlikely match (Dan and I have completely opposite personalities and often joke that if we’d been a part of eHarmony we would’ve never gotten together).

Mansfield Park was on TCM the other day. Though I didn’t watch the whole thing this time, I didn’t realize that it’s Frances O’Connor who plays Fanny Price. I didn’t recognize her until I watched Cashmere Mafia. Frances O’Connor plays Zoe Burden, “an investment banker with a handsome, loving, work-at-home architect husband, Eric (Julian Ovenden), and two small children, [who] seems (my italicization) to be the prototype for the woman who has it all” (from http://www.abc.go.com). It’s entertaining on a Wednesday night and the clothes are stunning (maybe a little unrealistic for anywhere except New York). I must warn it does compete with Project Runway for its time slot. Thank goodness for Dish’s DVR!

I was also surprised to see Eli Stone in Mansfield Park. Jonny Lee Miller plays Edmund Bertram in Mansfield Park and Eli Stone in the new ABC series, which has been a new fave of mine!

As excited as I am about the places we’ll visit, I’m much more excited about the food we’ll get to eat! I realize how strange this might sound but, honestly, while growing up the only places my parents took us on “vacation” were to visit friends and family and day trips to Seattle’s Chinatown for the food! (In fact, I thought Seattle only consisted of Chinatown before I went to the University of Washington for school.)

So what exactly am I excited for?

Dim sum. Surprisingly there are two decent Chinese restaurants near me, but make no doubt the closest thing to dim sum here is frozen shu mai and potstickers. Dan supposedly took me to Ocean Star Restaurant before, only I don’t remember. Last time we were in L.A. together, it was a bit overwhelming. We were there to attend our friends’ wedding and visit with some of Dan’s old Pasadena friends. But, it was mostly overwhelming because this is also when Dan proposed to me. Everything else is just a blur. My mouth is already watering as I think about all the lovely little dishes of shu mai, ha gao, shao long bao, fried taro, and many other goodies that have suddenly slipped my mind. Thankfully, they come on little carts so I don’t have to look too foolish having forgotten all the proper Chinese names my parents used to order all my fav dishes. (For foodie reviews of Ocean Star and other places around L.A. and where I found this photo, please go to Pleasure Palate.)

An In-N-Out burger, animal style. I’ve had these burgers maybe two or three times in my life. It only takes once. I’m an absolute fan. Who can ask for a better basic burger with the patty cooked in mustard, sauteed onions on top, pickles and extra sauce?

La Estrella fish tacos. I remember the first time Dan suggested that we go to La Estrella to eat one, I was completely apprehensive to say the least. Fish? In a tortilla? Oh, it’s breaded and friend? There’s something wrong with this picture, even if it’s fried. But if you haven’t tried fish tacos, definitely give them a chance, especially if you’re fortunate enough to be in California! Though I haven’t tasted one nearly as delicious as these specific ones, you may be pleasantly surprised with the fried fish goodness.

California rolls from Mako Bowl. I know, I know it’s a little hole in the wall. I’m not sure what they do with the crab meat to make it melt in your mouth as they do, but really this is the best place I’ve had California rolls on the go.

Sprinkles Cupcakes. I’ve never been to Sprinkles Cupcakes, but have to admit that I want to know what all the fuss is about. When a friend of ours heard we’d be in L.A. it was one of the definitive places he recommended we go to. Honestly, I hadn’t heard of these cupcakes till he mentioned them and then read up on all the hype that’s been culminating since Katie Holmes gave glowing reviews of the remarkable cupcake. I know they have their cynics, but I genuinely want to know what a cupcake made with Madagascar vanilla at two hundred dollars a gallon, topped with wax-less chocolate sprinkles imported from France made with rich chocolate, baked freshly every couple of hours with all natural ingredients tastes like, because that $3.25 you pay for each one isn’t just for the cake, it’s also for the experience. We’ve already decided we’d try two, one being the red velvet since Dan is a chocolate-fiend. He gave up candy and soda for Lent, so he’s got to satisfy his sweet tooth with something. Don’t even get me started on the frosting shots! Did one of their promos actually say, if you want to save on calories, you can opt for the frosting shot?

Sushi. Really sushi anywhere in L.A. will be fine, because at least California is near water. We tried sushi here at the only restaurant I know has it, where there’s no fish to be seen anywhere near here, because, yes, we were that desperate and curious. Will only eat again if absolutely necessary. I’ve had wonderful, very expensive sushi before and yes, I do realize it makes a difference, but considering where I’m coming from really, anything will do. That being said, we might just go to Todai, because living off student loans, beggars can’t be choosers. Did I really just use that idiom for sushi? Sheesh, what a snob, I’ve become. What I meant to say is, we can’t rationalize blowing off all of our vacation money on raw fish albeit absolutely delicious sashimi, which I would adore!

I have been thinking about my wardrobe choices of late. Concerning my quarter-life crisis (apparently my anxiety at turning 30 has a name), I’ve realized that I need to re-think my wardrobe. I’m not quite cutting it with my printed T-shirts from teenybopper-type brands, which was probably a fashion faux pas well into my late 20’s. But, oh, so comfortable are they! I need to learn how to style my plain T’s and my button-ups just aren’t that comfortable, but all of this will have to be held off for another day because with current finances and the downside turn of the economy window shopping will just have to do!

Anyway, with the hype of Lipstick Jungle, I saw the first episode and became very curious about the gorgeous Lindsay Price. Doing a little research on IMDb under the trivia section of her profile, I discovered that her mother is Korean and her father is German-Irish. Included in the trivia section, however, was a list of other Happa actors and actresses, some of whom I was very surprised to find were of mixed ethnicity. This, of course, led me to spend the next hour looking up each and every one with a few minutes in-between wondering, “Will my baby look like him, or her, or him?”

Idyllically speaking, both Dan and I agreed that it’d be wonderful to have a boy first and then a girl, so that the boy could look out for his little sister. I’m an older sister with one brother and Dan is an older brother to his younger brother. I’ve sometimes wondered if my influence on my brother was detrimental. I understand that kids are resilient, but to this day, I can’t help but feel bad for the way I used to treat him when we were young. In fact, if you were to take him aside to this day, and ask him about his childhood, it’s a little too easy for him to tell you about the abuse I put him through—teasing him, forcing him to play girly games, making him cry when I would run away from him. Dan and his brother seemed to have a much better relationship. It probably helped by the fact that they’re so close in age and while they were growing up his mother ran a daycare from home, so at least there were always other kids to cushion the comfort zone between the two. But you can never plan these things. Boy or Girl, it doesn’t really matter because it’ll be our baby. This is all to say that I was really interested in the actors from the Happa list; they’re ethnicities, what they look like…

I was surprised to find these two actors on the list:

I always thought that Russell Wong was simply Asian. Perhaps I never thought him to be otherwise, because all the movies I had ever seen him in were with a predominantly Asian cast and the fact that he does, indeed, look very Asian. (His father is Chinese-American and his mother is Dutch-American.) It’s a funny thing, because with the few Happa kids I’ve known and seen, I tend to think they look more Caucasian than Asian.

Just before going to bed the other night, Dan and I ended up talking about this very thing. Both of us blurted out, “Wow, it’d be great if we had a son that looked like Russell Wong!” Dan casually added, “I do have some Dutch blood in me.” On the other hand, there’s Rob Schneider whose mother is Filipino and father is German-Jewish-American. (Aren’t blue eyes a recessive gene and where does the curly hair come from?) I have to admit that given the two, I’d hope that if I had a son, he’d tend to look more like Russell than Rob. But again, like I said before, in the end it doesn’t matter, because he’ll be our baby.

One other surprise. Mark Paul Gosselaar is also Happa. His mother is Indonesian and his father is Dutch. Apparently, he dyed his hair blond to play the part of Zach Morris on Saved by the Bell. Who knew? Hmmm…I guess it’d also be ohhhh-kay if my baby grew up to look like teen hearthrob, Zach.

One of my greatest fears about having a baby is he or she won’t look like me. My anxieties only heightened when I was told about a friend’s birth of her daughter. She’s a beautiful Korean girl with dark brown-black hair and pale light colored skin who has lived in the States for the last twenty years. She met her Caucasian blond-haired husband while in college. Apparently, when their daughter was born, the baby’s features were so light-colored that another friend of mine wondered whether my Korean friend was in the room at the time of conception! My Korean friend really is the mother!

Talking with a friend of mine who’s also in a mixed marriage, she mentioned that we’ll just have to be at peace with the idea that our children might very well not look like us.  However I believe that at the end of the day, when my baby hugs me and says, “I love you, Mommy,” it won’t really matter.

It’s amazing how the unfulfilled expectations, the mistakes, the regrets, the missed opportunities that I long overlooked or thought I resolved are able to resolutely come racing back without hesitation with a single number, a single day. I never thought I was the type of person who held certain expectations of what her life would look like at thirty, but, apparently, I am just such a person. What’s more surprising is I fall smack dab in the middle of all the stereotypes of believing that at thirty, I pictured having a successful career, a baby in my arms, and a beautiful home I could call my own. I can hardly believe that this is what I pictured for myself, but there it is.

Four years ago, I would’ve thought myself silly for thinking such things. But, then again, my life looked very different four years ago. I was in East Asia teaching English, accomplishing meaningful work, though in many people’s eyes maybe not the most successful. I felt assured that whatever else God had in mind for me, would unfold naturally. And I’d be okay with it. Since then, the life that unfolded wasn’t what I imagined and seeing the lives my friends are leading; it’s felt more difficult to believe the sacrifices I’ve made are worthwhile because I don’t have the successful career, the baby in my arms, and a beautiful home I can call my own. Honestly, I feel fine about the home and maybe the baby, since I don’t even really know if I am ready to be a mother yet. The hardest thing, for me, in being thirty is to suffer the loss of a failing career. When I left the country immediately after graduating from college, I fully acknowledged the fact that my career could be at a loss. I don’t think I ever knew how much of a loss it would be or that I would experience this loss on a regular basis after that day. My husband tells me I have plenty of skills and abilities that companies are looking for, that if I wanted it the success I want in a career is possible if I wanted to try. I sort of believe him. For the time being, though, with the rejection and strength I’ve had to muster to overcome cynics in the non-profit world I feel tired and worn down by rejection. How can I face more right now?

Who knew that a number could be such a test of faith? Despite some of the heartbreak that comes with turning thirty, I still believe that God is good. Though, I may not have the life my friends envy, more so the other way around, I still have to believe that God is good. And hopefully, I can sometime soon look back with different eyes and see it with those twenty-six-year-old- like-eyes and say with confidence that having life unfold naturally is good. It’s better than I thought it could be.

It’s become my favorite item of clothing that I absolutely love to wear. It’s not only because it feels luxurious to me (I know, I know previous Crew sweaters have been much better quality, blah, blah, blah), it keeps me warm, it’s soft and reminds me of the feel of sitting in front of a roaring fire, because, yes, it’s that soft and cozy, but mostly because my grandmother bought it for me just because she knew I liked it.

So why Cashmere Papers? Because that’s what I hope writing will be for me. In college, I became a creative writing major. It was unexpected, but in the end, felt fitting. In that time, I always dreamed of becoming a writer. Unfortunately, that was the last time, I really sat down to write. Since then, I’ve lived in a foreign country a number of years, got married, became a campus minster where my life became something other than my own, and now have time to rest. I’ve procrastinated doing any writing because the few times I’ve tried to sit down to write, I was disappointed to find that my voice wasn’t quite as articulate, wasn’t quite as sharp and witty as I once believed it to be. What, perhaps, is the saddest thing of all, is it has become foreign to me. So I’m dedicating this blog to simply writing again. It’s my hope that it’ll change into something reminiscent like my favorite piece of clothing—something luxurious, keeps me warm, is soft and cozy and reminds me of wonderful things like my grandmother’s kindness.